is that i dont know what i deserve. i loathed 2009 with every bit of my being. i didnt try hard enough. i tried too hard. im overanalytical. or is it that youre just blind? what am i supposed to feel like today? on the first of january 2010. all i can say is that some things are better left unsaid. its not that i dont care, its that its just not important. do you really need to waste your energy on it? i feel bad. but i guess not bad enough to fix it. all i can say is that ive been in the same goddamn boat since i can remember. stagnant as fuck, unhappy as can be. and its my fault. is it my fault? i sometimes lay in bed and wonder. whytf did i end up ‘amanda elizabeth martinez?’ thats what i wanna know. and im never going to ask you for your number because youre too good for me. a blind man can see it. its not that i dont feel worthy enough, its that simple kind of acceptance. maybe i havent accepted it, because i still think of you. i just think youre so cute, and id love to slow dance with you. and i like how youre whiney and lazy. ‘cause i am too. and i wonder when i’ll ever get out of here. and thanksgiving, christmas, new years, you name it… they’re not happy times. theyre pensive times, theyre solemn times. for me. i sit there and think about my parents. about everyone. i look around. and i wonder. are they happy or does this life only suffice? when i slam my door, and when i yell at you. when i slam my door. and i say i’m tired of the shit in this house. are you happy? what are you thinking? because im not lying when i say those things. im not exaggerating when i say that youre an asshole. you are. how is it that you deny everything? everything! do you not do anything? anything??? am i making this up in my head. ‘just because you feel it doesnt mean its there’ thank you radiohead. but still. yeah, but still, huh. and when i lead you on, how does that make you feel? and when ignore your calls and your texts? and when i dont say hello? and if im not happy, let me be fucking unhappy. LEAVE ME HERE IN MY STARK, RAVING, SICK, SAD, LITTLE WORLD. yeah? why are lyrics sooo good.

all i can say it that i should be living another life.